hermione527

So early this morning, before passing out for my "second sleep", I deactivated my Facebook account. Note: I have this weird thing where I typically wake up at about 3 or 4 a.m., for no particular reason. I usually can go right back to sleep afterwards, but lately, it's taken me about an hour. I might have to try meditating or some other practice to fall asleep more quickly. I'm open to suggestions. Today, I went to a Unitarian Universalist Fellowship north of Atlanta with two new friends and saw an old friend, which was comforting to me. They talked about mindfulness as associated with Buddhism, along with meditating. During a fairly tumultuous period in my life, I feel that these practices might benefit me. I am trying to finish a dissertation and to find a job to start in the fall, so a lot in my life is uncertain. From what limited information I have, it's most likely that I'll end up either in California or Atlanta. I'd be happy either place, I think, and both would have benefits and drawbacks. My dissertation advisor and mentor tells me not to worry, to keep working on my dissertation, and it will work out as it's supposed to. I'm trying to take her advice as best as I can.

I must say that deactivating Facebook was a liberating feeling for me. I've had a love/hate feeling toward Facebook over the ten-ish years since I've been on it, and recently, it's turned into hate. I think it's partly because I was looking at it too much, and I therefore was getting tired of seeing the endless stream of political posts regarding He Who Must Not Be Named's Executive Orders. Don't get me wrong; I'm pissed about it too, and I realize we need to stay informed. But I have friends on both sides of the political spectrum who have come a bit unhinged. On one side are a few friends who say that they don't need anyone to march for them because Jesus marched from them, and they are praying for us who did the Women's March because they are afraid Satan has a hold of us. I know they mean well, but geez! On the other side, I have friends who blog about DT about six times a day, each with a long rant about how mad they are. I get it, and I think this is more where I was right after the election. But reading these rants was just making me sad and angry all over again. It got to where a part of me was shutting down. I do care about the current political situation very much, but at this point, I want to know what I can DO about it: write my local representatives because they are our best chance to slow things down, volunteer (which I'll have more time for after my Ph.D., and most importantly finish my dissertation. I have seriously considered sending The Donald and his crew of rich White male wackos a copy of my dissertation because I don't think they would like my feminist perspective, but who knows, they just might learn something about listening to other people's voices.

Please don't get me wrong, I know not everyone who voted for DT is a terrible person. In fact, many of them are exceptional people. There are plenty of people who think Hillary is a terrible person, although I honestly don't understand why. The email server thing was weird and sketchy, and she failed to protect the people involved with Benghazi. But still, is that at the level of sexual assault, mocking people repeatedly like a bully, and literally building walls around our country founded by immigrants and refugees to keep people who need freedom out? I don't think so, but if one of my loved ones disagrees with me and is open to a civil discourse about it, I would like to hear their perspective. Sadly, it just doesn't usually happen that way on Facebook; people take things out of context, misconstrue tone, and get pissed. I've found that it's not worth it most of the time.

I prefer to blog about these issues in part because my boyfriend from many years ago Padawan (that's his code name, and mine is Hermione) introduced me to Livejournal. Livejournal and other forms of writing were a big part of how and why we connected the way we did. Through Livejournal, I also got to know my cousin "Luna" and other friends better. Blogging is a lost art, I think, and the relationship building formed through Livejournal sadly seems like a lost art. Facebook can be useful, but I still have one of the only useful aspects of it, messenger. I feel that a lot of the interactions I have on Facebook are shallow. I only have so much time for social connections right now, so when I have them, I would prefer that they be meaningful. Plus, blogging provides more of an opportunity for honest and helpful discourse.

On Friday, I almost had a panic attack. I have a mental health disorder that has been officially diagnosed as "panic disorder," although High Functioning Anxiety is I think a more accurate description of how I move through the world. It's hard sometimes, but I've accepted that it's part of who I am. It's actually served me well in some situations because I get shit done. Within the past couple of months, though, it's become more of a negative issue, and I'm trying to figure out how to better manage it, to keep out the noise so to say.

Writing is therapy for me, along with my literary and fandom connections. Hopefully, this journal will encourage more authentic relationships and catharsis. The Universe knows I could use more of both right now. But I love my research, and I'm going to finish my PhD, in part to spite those who try to oppress me and my other brothers and sisters who do not fit the Patriarchy's most ideal world.